Monster Media 1996 #14

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Dilbert Newsletter 10.0 ----------------------- To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams Date: February 1996 (Use Courier 12 point font for proper formatting) Highlights: ------------------------------------------------ - Presidential political analysis - Strange Tales of Induhviduals - Conversation with my cat - New Dilbert book "Still Pumped From Using the Mouse" ------------------------------------------------ DNRC Status Report ------------------ The DNRC has grown to over 100,000 amazingly intelligent and strangely attractive members. Each DNRC member is endowed with so much crackling sex appeal that it occasionally forms a pure beam of energy that shoots from the forehead and stuns nearby Induhviduals. It's not an Olympic sport yet, but someday it will be. And remember, when Dogbert conquers the earth you will become his New Ruling Class. The others (the Induhviduals) will become our domestic servants. And that means ALL of your possessions will smell lemon fresh. Status of DNRC Family Members ----------------------------- Many people have asked about the status of family members in a case in which only one of them is on the DNRC mailing list. Are the other family members covered, or must they become domestic servants? It's hard to come up with a blanket rule that covers all cases since some of the worst Induhviduals are in our own families. The decision to include family members must be made by the DNRC member who is on the mailing list. For example, I plan to cover my siblings and my parents (as far as they know), but cousin Kenneth is destined for valet parking. Communications Decency Act -------------------------- The government of the United States has passed a law which makes it a crime to transmit indecent materials over the Internet. As a citizen of this great country I plan to fully comply with that law. >From now on, whenever I get the urge to use an offensive word in e-mail I will substitute the name of an offensive politician. I urge you to do the same. The beauty of this approach is that they can't easily ban these new naughty words without changing their own names. I know I could get in trouble for suggesting such a thing, but I don't give a flying Clinton what they think. And if they don't like it they can come over here and kiss my Gingrich. World's Most Dangerous Cartoon ------------------------------ In the past few months I have received a number of complaints about the negative impact that the Dilbert strip has on society. In particular, the following charges have been leveled against me: My ad hominem attacks on lawyers leads to the type of atmosphere that caused the Oklahoma City bombing. My introduction of Antina (the non-stereotypical woman character) will ultimately hurt the math scores of girls. When I entered the cartooning profession I had no idea how much harm I could do to innocent bystanders. From now on I pledge to use my vast powers of influence only for good. I'll start small, perhaps focusing on the elimination of coffee slurping in the office: HEY! STOP SLURPING THAT COFFEE, YOU NEANDERTHAL! IT'S DRIVING PEOPLE CRAZY!! If that works, I'll tackle global warming in the next newsletter. Survey Results -------------- In the 1995 Highly Unscientific Dilbert Survey I asked this question: "If you had a chance to hit your boss in the back of the head with one of the following objects, with no risk of getting caught, which would you choose?" Here's how the votes went: Choice Votes ------------------------------------------------ 1. "Nerf" ball 17% 2. Large bean burrito 19% 3. Ripe melon 14% 4. Framed certificate of appreciation 13% 5. The outdated computer you are 13% forced to use. 6. Your last performance review, 7% including the 600 pound file cabinet it's kept in. 7. All of your co-workers, bound by 8% duct tape and flung from a huge catapult. 8. Ford Pinto with a full tank of gas 7% (just to see what all the hype was about) Conversation With Freddie ------------------------- The other day I was complaining that I had gained a few pounds. I quipped that I could "feel gravity tugging at me." My large gray cat, Freddie, overheard my whining and corrected me by saying "Technically, Scott, gravity doesn't tug on you. Einstein saw gravity as the bending of space around dense objects." "Really?" I asked, more to humor him than because I was interested. Freddie continued, "But I've developed another theory." "Let's hear it, fuzzy." I said. (He hates it when I call him that. But I wasn't too keen on being called a dense object, either.) Freddie then went on to explain how the universe was formed in a big bang. All matter expanded outward -- as most scientists agree -- but in addition (and this was Freddie's twist) all matter was rapidly increasing in size. According to Freddie, nobody notices that everything is getting bigger because all our measuring devices and frames of reference are growing at the same rate. The only noticeable effect of everything growing is the illusion of gravity. "For example," Freddie continued, "If you leap in the air, at first the distance between you and the earth increases." "Duh," I countered. Freddie ignored my witticism and continued, "But while you're in the air, the earth gets bigger, and you get bigger, and the distance between you and the earth decreases. Gravity is just an illusion in an ever growing universe." This blew me away. I sat in stunned silence. It was a full minute before I could talk again. "Freddie," I said. "Do you realize the enormous economic potential we have here?" "I do," he said, somewhat smugly. So I sold Freddie to the circus for $500. You don't find a talking cat that often, and when you do, you don't want to waste it. Dogbert Emoticon ---------------- Since many of you asked, the ascii symbol for the DNRC is this: O- (capital letter O plus a dash) It represents a bird's eye view of Dogbert and it also mimics the secret DNRC hand signal. You can place it in your signature file or you can use it to punctuate a sentence with this meaning: "I am superior to you in all ways. You are so loathsome and pitiful that I would not have you as my domestic servant even if you supplied your own cleansers and rags. I spit on your smilie face. You smell like a pile of Dole." DNRC Political Analysis ----------------------- The following discussion of US presidential politics will seem useless to those of you who are not citizens of the US. But I can promise you that it will be useless to the US citizens too. I don't play favorites. If tradition holds, the nine people who actually vote in the next US presidential election will base their decision primarily on the "intangible" qualities of each candidate. Chief among the intangibles is the vital question of who each candidate reminds us of. Phil Gramm ---------- Gramm reminds me of ET. He's loveable, that's for sure. But I'll never forgive him for making me sob uncontrollably on a first date when I thought the little fellow was dead. It's hard to act sexy and masculine at a movie when your head is puffed up like Ted Kennedy at an all night kegger. It looks like Gramm is out of the race, but ET fooled us too. Bob Dole -------- Dole reminds me of Darth Vader except older and more bitter. Close your eyes and imagine Dole with his helmet off, whispering "I am your father, Luke." On one hand, it might be good for national defense to have Darth Vader at the helm. But on the other hand (the one with the pencil), Darth tried to kill his own teenage son, who went on to star in some very bad movies. I think it sends a mixed signal about family values. Steve Forbes ------------- Forbes reminds me of our leader, Dogbert. Everybody knows that the average voter is an idiot, but Forbes is actually DOING something about it: the flat tax proposal. Experts agree that the flat tax would raise taxes on the middle class, but predictably, the idiot-infested middle class supports the idea because they don't pay attention too closely and they think their taxes will go down. Forbes' own taxes would go way down, and his company would make out like a bandit. You have to love a candidate who isn't afraid to treat the whole thing as an investment. Bill Clinton ------------- Clinton reminds me of the water stain on the ceiling above my shower. Every morning I ask myself how much it's really bothering me, then I decide to leave it there for another four years. Richard Lugar ------------- Lugar reminds me of a cross between Mister Rogers and Alfred E. Newman. Lugar's experience looks good on paper, but deep down I'm worried that he puts his underwear on backwards about half the time. Then he calls his wife in to show her that he "Did it again" and then they both laugh hysterically at the fact that he's trying to become the leader of the free world. Pat Buchanan ------------ Buchanan reminds me of a huge, angry beaver: industrious, yet rodential. I imagine myself sitting in a log cabin, looking out the window and seeing him just sitting on my lawn scowling and licking his lips. I know that if I go to the post office, I'll come back to find my house disassembled and floating on a nearby stream. I recommend building a large aluminum fence around Buchanan's tour bus to keep him away from the rest of the country. Summary: I doubt any candidate can win without the unqualified endorsement of the DNRC. (And I do mean unqualified.) Dogbert has authorized me to throw the full weight of DNRC endorsement to the first candidate who joins the DNRC -- no matter how repugnant that person might be -- by sending a snail mail request, on official letterhead, to: Dilbert List Presidential Endorsement c/o United Media 200 Madison Ave NYC, NY 10016 E-mail requests from candidates will be ignored because I know you're all smart enough to fake those. (I figured that out after getting several suggestions about the strip from President Clinton at President@whitehouse.gov.) DNRC Enemies List ------------------- In Newsletter #8, I added Drew Carey to the DNRC Enemies Watch List because of his eerie physical resemblance to Dilbert. Drew contacted me by e-mail and asked if I would take him off the list if some Dilbert merchandise were placed around the set of his sitcom. I agreed. On January 17th, Dilbert and Dogbert dolls were clearly visible in his cubicle. Drew is hereby removed from the enemies list and promoted to Sainthood in the DNRC. (Saint Drew of Sitcoms.) As a further show of DNRC power, I recommend that we all watch his excellent show on Wednesday nights and pump up his ratings. Note to Steve Forbes: Bribery works By popular demand, the Pillsbury Doughboy is added to the DNRC enemies list. Martha Stewart is also added, but on a temporary basis, until she tells us the most festive way to dispose of little Poppin' Fresh. DNRC Enemies ------------- 1. Little Billy from Family Circus 2. Satan 3. Snuggles the fabric softener bear 4. Putterman family (including cousin John Tesh) 5. Pillsbury Doughboy 6. Martha Stewart (temporary status) More DNRC Saints ---------------- The number of people who qualified for DNRC sainthood in the past few months exceeds my space here. Most people qualified by taking special steps to lobby their newspapers to add Dilbert after Calvin and Hobbes went away. I'm deeply appreciative for all of your efforts. Consider yourself a Saint if you're in that category. As a special thanks, the Rights of Saints have been extended to include... The right to complain about the outcome of elections in which you did not vote. Prank on Windows Users ---------------------- This was suggested by several DNRC minxes: Find a screenshot utility (software) and take a nice screen shot of the computer's desktop. Convert it to Windows wallpaper. Now delete all icons off of your desktop. When an Induhvidual tries to use the computer none of the icons will work. Hilarity ensues. True Stories of Induhviduals ---------------------------- (reprinted with permission) I feel it is my duty to tell you about the actions of an Induhvidual I worked with over the summer. My friend, who was experimenting with our company's new alphanumeric pager technology, wanted to send me a message that said "YOU BLOW CHUNKS!". But he wasn't sure which mail server I was on. So he picked one at random. The one he picked was the mail server for all of the upper management and supervisors. And since the computer couldn't find me, it decided to share his message with everyone on that mail server, including our supervisor. (Editor's note: Several of the more obedient managers actually blew chunks when they got the message.) And Another True Story of an Induhvidual ---------------------------------------- (reprinted with permission) There was an Induhvidual in a company where I used to work who had the title of "Technology Supervisor." One of her first projects was to put a PC on everyone's desk. She decided to go with the model that had the highest rated power supply. Why? She figured it must be the most powerful. She also submitted a request to upper management to rewire the division's building to run on 220 volts because it would make the existing equipment (currently running on 110) "perform better." Needless to say, she did not last very long in that position. (Editor's Note: I'm shocked!) Induhviduals Used for Spare Parts --------------------------------- (reprinted with permission) Stress Reliever I think not! I was given one of those stress relievers (balloon filled with some kind of sand). I guess I threw it against the walls of my neighbor's cube one too many times. I picked it up the other day and noticed some discoloration so I poked it with my finger and the thing exploded over my keyboard; very fine sand all over the place. I immediately shook out my keyboard and vacuumed it. That didn't work. My Return, Shift, and Space Bar keys kept sticking. So I did what any member of DNRC would do; I swapped it with an Induhvidual's keyboard. (Editor's note: Induhviduals are also an excellent source for office supplies, furniture and free long distance calls.) And Another True Story of an Induhvidual ---------------------------------------- (reprinted with permission) This actually happened to us recently: An irate roommate, frustrated with being kicked out for drug use and general bad attitude, decided to steal a bunch of our stuff in order to "get back at us." He figured he'd make it look like a break-in and get away clean. On the night of the big scam, his plan was set: he broke one of the front windows, stole our stuff, and took off running. Only problem was, he broke the window from the inside, so the glass was shattered all over the front porch! He was arrested the next day. (Editor's note: Worse yet, he only stole his own stuff.) Dogbert Answers My Mail ----------------------- In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to handle myself. -------------------- Dear Mr. Adams, I do not understand today's comic. I asked all of my friends what it means and they don't understand it either, so it obviously isn't just me. Can you explain what's going on here? Richard Dear Dick, Darwin explained it best in one of his unpublished works where he theorized, "If your friends were smart, why would they hang around with YOU?" Thank you for writing. I appreciate the fact that you took time out from your busy schedule of running with scissors, swimming immediately after eating and making growling noises at unleashed dogs. Dogbert -------------------- Dear Mr. Adams, I am in the DNRC but I do not understand today's comic. I asked all of my friends what it means and they don't understand it either, so it obviously isn't just me. Can you explain what's going on here? Bill Dear Honored DNRC member William, You can only understand today's comic by viewing it from Mr. Adams' perspective. Unfortunately that would require you to be a pale, balding cartoonist with six quarts of Yuban flowing through your bloodstream. Otherwise the cartoon makes no sense at all. But if somebody named Richard asks you about it, laugh heartily and express astonishment at his lack of comprehension. Dogbert Problems with the Dilbert List ------------------------------ Some of you missed previous issues of the newsletter because of a software glitch. This is one of the biggest e-mail lists on the planet and the problems are volume related, so it's hard to test it without spamming you to death. The software has been upgraded recently. The only source for back issues is the Dilbert Web Site. Or use the directions toward the end of the newsletter to get back issues automatically. (The automatic method doesn't work for everybody, for reasons that are mysterious.) How To Be Funny --------------- In an ongoing effort to make my job easier, I will share some important tips for identifying good fodder for humor. Humor often comes from the weird thoughts and emotions involved in a situation, as opposed to the simple facts. The best fodder for humor can be communicated by a simple description of the situation and then saying "So then I was thinking..." Sometimes it's the most mundane events that generate the most interesting emotions. For example, as you're watching a co-worker present an amazingly illegible slide you might be thinking "Does he think we can read that? Does he hate us? I want to rip it off of the projector and make him eat it." An alleged humorist such as myself could take that situation and twist it so that the illegible slide was about "Improving Company Morale." By focusing on the emotion it's easier to add humor than if you focused on the main object here, which is the poor graphic. Humor-wise, the best types of thoughts and emotions are the ones that you wouldn't want to confess, such as greed, envy, pettiness, disdain, selfishness and the like. Pick a moment during your day, no matter how "normal" the situation is, and take an inventory of your thoughts. They're often quite bizarre and potentially humorous. We're so close to these thoughts that we don't notice them. The job of a humorist is to notice and report the obvious. Sending Ideas for Dilbert ------------------------- Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of you.) The best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog or "gags." I'll do the humor part. I'm most inspired by themes of idiotic management and clueless business practices. Tell me about things in your day that caused a feeling of anger, insecurity, doubt, distrust, humiliation, incredulity or guilty pleasure. Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never disclose names. Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day in that period. Thanks! The Dilbert Store on the Web ---------------------------- Now available for sale on the web, DNRC caps, polo shirts and denim shirts, all with a small tasteful DNRC logo of Dogbert with a crown and club. Perfect for casual day. Not available anyplace else. You will also find limited edition Dilbert framed desk art and Dilbert and Dogbert stuffed dolls! http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/ To order, call 800-882-6450 (International callers dial: +1-612-948-5434) Dilbert Mouse Pads ------------------ Ring King Visibles has introduced four computer mouse pad and wrist rest designs, including the "Etch A Sketch" and "Bungee Boss" themes from recent favorite strips. They are available at Office Depot and Egghead Software already. Go bug your local computer store or office retailer to stock them. You can also call Ring King visibles for more information at 800-272-2366. Or check out The Video Catalog (The Early Spring 1996 issue) to see four designs. Call them at 800-733-2232 to get a catalog or order by mail. "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (original material about working at a big company), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8) "Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the first year), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1758-6) "Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's original material on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3) "Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3) "Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90 through 5/18/91.), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9) "It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" (a compilation covering 5/19/91 to 12/13/92, with color Sundays), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-0415-8). **** To Be Released late in February 1996 ***** "Still Pumped from Using the Mouse (a compilation covering 12/14/92 - 9/27/93), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1026-3) Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use +1-816-932-6700) Dilbert Calendars for 1996 -------------------------- - Page A Day - "Ask Me How My Day Went" Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-7283-8) - Desk Calendar - "It's A Trap!" Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-7299-4) - Wall Calendar - "The Dilbert Zone" Day Dream Publishing (ISBN 1-57081-934-3) Bookstores might be sold out. But you can get the Page A Day calendar from the Dilbert web site. Dilbert Business Videos: ------------------------ Two Newest Videos: "Talk About Change!" and "Dilbert Gets Reengineered" Cohen/Gebler Associates has created a set of short animated Dilbert business videos for meetings, workshops and presentations. The videos are based closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice breakers. Topics include Quality, Change, Reengineering, Sales and Meetings in general. Cohen/Gebler Associates also develop custom programs featuring Dilbert for internal company communications, such as employee training, internal communications and employee meetings/events Call 800-208-3535 for more information. (International callers use +1-617-262-4242) Dilbert Merchandise by Mail --------------------------- Signals catalog (New Year 1996 issue) call 800-669-9696 Wireless catalog (Early Spring 1996 issue) call 800-669-9999 - Dilbert silk ties (not the flip up kind) - Mug - Sweatshirts - Book: "It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" - Dilbert and Dogbert stuffed dolls - Limited edition lithograph (Signals catalog only) New Dilbert Novelty Items ------------------------- Coming this Spring from OZ: - Dilbert mug - Dilbert Gift book: "Telling it Like it Isn't" adapted from some of Dilbert's most popular strips. Look for them in gift and card stores or call 800-826-4216 to find the store nearest you. New Dilbert Tie and Suspenders ------------------------------ New from Ralph Marlin and Company, Dilbert-inspired silk and polyester ties. Look for all four styles in gift and novelty stores near you, or call 800-922-8437. Coming soon from The Rainbow Connection, Dilbert suspenders with a "Falling Down the Corporate Ladder" theme. To find a store near you, call 413-267-5421. Hallmark Cards -------------- Hallmark is testing a new line of Dilbert cards in fifty stores nationwide. If nobody gets hurt in the human trials they'll test them on rats. If you see any, please buy them. (The cards, not the rats.) New Dilbert T-Shirts from Quality Classics: ------------------------------------------- Look for Dilbert T-shirts and sweatshirts from Quality Classics in retail stores around the United States. There are nineteen designs, but individual stores will carry different subsets. Demand them at your local store or call Quality Classics to find a store near you: 800-735-7185. New designs include: Technologically Superior, Trouble Brewing, The Loud Dog, Strategy, Cell Mates and Sensory Deprivation Chamber. Online Dilbert Sources ---------------------- - World Wide Web (The Dilbert Zone) http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert If you're a company interested in advertising on the Dilbert web pages, send e-mail to webmaster@unitedmedia.com (put "Web ad" in the subject line) or call 800-221-4816 (international callers dial +1-212-293-8500). (50 DNRC status points if you get somebody to put a link to the Dilbert web page from another web site. But please only link to the page itself, not the individual graphics.) - America Online (older daily strips) (Keyword: Dilbert) ***************** General Dilbert Facts ******************* The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 900 papers in 23 countries. The author (that would be me) receives over 250 e-mail messages per day. I read all of my e-mail personally. I don't have an assistant, unless you count my cat. If you get a canned response, or no response at all, it just means my fingers are tired. If you get an incoherent answer it means I'm up late. If you ask multiple questions I often answer the one I like. Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from 1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an engineer by education; I did the MBA thing. I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school. The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite what your friend says, I don't know him/her. Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths. The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you. The boss character has no name. Dogbert's breed is unspecified. Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from MIT. Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert --------------------------------------------------- The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use +1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use the strip or the characters. About the Dilbert List ---------------------- It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the cost of your own e-mail. I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please. The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel like it" which should be about three or four times a year. How to Subscribe Automatically ------------------------------ You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail with the address, subject and message shown: Address: listproc@internex.net Subject: Dilbert Message: subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow (except put your real name instead of Joe Blow). Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify it. The only thing you customize is your first and last name. Unsubscribing ------------- If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail to listproc@internex.net but include only these words in the body of the message: unsubscribe Dilbert_List Put only the word "Dilbert" in the subject line. Getting Old Newsletters ----------------------- You can get back issues of the Dilbert Newsletter automatically by sending an e-mail with this precise form: Address: listproc@internex.net Subject: Dilbert Message: get dilbert_list newsletter_1.0 You can use that command form for newletters 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, 5.0, 6.0, 7.0, 8.0 and 9.0 sending a different message for each. They might arrive out of order or take a day or two. This doesn't work for everybody, for reasons none can fathom. But the best way is to visit the Dilbert web site if you have a web browser. http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/ I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I told you. Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter -------------------------------------- If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send e-mail to me and I'll sign you up manually. My personal address is still scottadams@aol.com If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature." Reprinting This Newsletter -------------------------- Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com